Picking gum off the floor and eating it in high school

High school girls have it all wrong. Eight years of listening to sob stories about boyfriends who are domestic violence reports waiting to happen have me wondering about our species' ability to pick mates. If we assume that we were meant, just physically, to breed young (we begin menstruation, it’s our most fertile time, yadda, yadda), then I can honestly say that the main quality that most of us seem to look for as a partner to propagate ourselves with is the ability to club someone over the head and drag them back to the cave…still. We may figure out our lack of taste further down the line, but in high school, so many of us really lack the details of the larger picture.

I look at the ones I would date now if I could go back to high school again. They all have a sense of humor and can laugh readily at themselves. They have a sense of responsibility that moves through not only their school work but their family and friends as well. They have never hit anyone (unless we count physical brawls with siblings, and I don’t), and they can take into account both sides of an argument. They are also the ones that don’t usually have a serious girlfriend until senior prom rolls around.

One of my favorite all time students graduates this year. In the three years that I have known him, he has yet to date anyone. He is cute, he is funny, and he is smart. He comes in my room on Wednesdays to write how many days are left until Christmas on my board because he hates Wednesdays, and he once told me that knowing that it's up there makes it easier for him to fly through his most dreaded day of the week. At the last late start, he and his two friends took his little brother out to breakfast before school even though if you ask him most days, he’ll tell you his little brother is a pain. As he left my room one day, one of my freshmen asked me who he was; she thought he was "hot". This same girl had told me earlier that day that her boyfriend wanted to take a “dating break”, but her best friend had informed her that it was really only because there was someone else that he wanted to “get with”.

I want to teach a class entitled “How to spot the losers and tell them to get lost”. Until then, I’ll continue to gently redirect: “No, don’t call him back”, “Please don’t smile when you tell me that he text-messaged you again”, “Yes, if he does that again, you definitely have to tell your parents and maybe even call the cops”. And I’ll let the good guys know that their time is still coming. Most of us wise up eventually and learn that too much drama does not excitement add to a life and that the best person to have in your life is a nice person. How many days are left until Christmas? I've got just the guy who could tell you.